So Worried

Regardless of what is going on in ones life, life keeps moving forward. As I stated in my previous posts, starting over has it's ups and downs. At this moment, I am at the downs. To be honest, everyday is getting better, but not it's best. Right now, I should be in Houston with my girlfriends, but due to the move it took all of my cash. My finances aren't the best and I don't see how things will work themselves out. It is completely out of my hands, I must keep moving forward and not give up and myself.

I got Liam out of the shop and had to borrow money for that. Trying to purchase 3 homes and I have to give him $1000 for a title search. Don't think that is right, but I really want these homes. I am owed money let's see $1800 from one home and $1200 from another. Once I receive that money things will be much better.

The house I am in now needed/needs some work. The floors needed to be done, while doing that they have done something to the power where the washer and dryer are. They also repainted the walls, when I had already painted, I just didn't cut in. The house is in disarray worse than it was in the beginning. I really don't know where anything is.

Looking at my finances is a truly sad thing. At one point, I was rolling in the money, now I am tredding water trying to stay afloat.

As for the group home, I had to start completely over on my paperwork and I could be further than I am, but wallowing in sorrow does something to my motivation.

School will be over for the term Monday and I need to purchase my books so that I can complete KAM I. In the meantime, I will start working on the Learning Agreement for KAM 2. I registered for the residency in July, but I am not going to attend it, no cash and feel I need to complete all three KAMs, before I attend another one.

I am sad and working on myself. That is all that I truly can say. Don't want to do anything, go anywhere or nothing, just want to be. I have figured out that most of my problems stem from my youth and I have to fix me. No one else, but me! Can't be still and truly trying to work on that. All these changes and I know that it is for the best.

3210 Oneal Street
bathroom tile removed
bathroom sink fixed
dishwasher replaced/fixed nothing was wrong
tree limbs cut
grass cut done
plant some flowers

637 Parkchester Drive
add a bathroom

PhD
KAM I
Learning Agreement KAM II approved
KAM II
Learning Agreement KAM III
KAM III
Prospectus
Dissertation
2 six day residencies

I don't know what is going on and where I am going, but I do know that things will and have to be better. I will not be worried about things and just keep moving forward. I am still sad, but I will be alright. I have to make me better that is all that matters. My childhood has had a serious affect on me and who I am. As much as we try to be different than our parents we tend to turn out to be just like them. No longer will I be a victim of my past. Things will be better and now I know that. There will be a better Willetta when this is done!

The Current Situation

I am learning to slow down and just go with the flow. Living life and not being acceptable of myself is a huge thing. Learning how to love myself is the main goal. Tired of doing the same things over and over again. This will make almost 20 years of being given an opportunity to right my wrong and here I am in the same place again. Things are different this time. No longer will I continue to wrong myself. Now, I understand that I am no different. I didn't like when you did it to someone dear to me and I do the same to someone else. Wow, things will be and are different this time.

My financial situation is not at it's best. The transition has taken away from what I had. On top of that a tenant owes.

Things about to happen
$1,000 for 3 houses
1027 Fisk Avenue $527
Books $100
Liam $500
3210 Oneal Street $300

I don't need to be flat broke and that's what it looks like is about to happen. I have been trying to sort out my issues and constantly spending money where I don't need to. This move has really done something to me, but I do understand there has to be consequences for my actions. I am taking responsibility for what I have done. It is no bodies fault but my own. Now, I have to figure out how to survive for the next almost 2 weeks. No food, no money, no nothing, but my sanity and at this point, that is all that matters.

There's no money on my credit card, I have about $500 to my name. Wow and things just keep accumulating. You know what that doesn't matter, what matters is that I am healthy and there is a means to an end. Today, I am going to take my time, find out if my car is ready, get some cash and just relax in the house alone. I just need to be.

If you are a constant reader of my blog when I post don't do the things that I have done. Learn from my mistakes all I can do is give thanks and know things will get better.

Why Do I Keep Doing the Same Ole Things?

I have messed up royaly and the first thing is to admit your wrong. I am admitting my wrong! This makes time number two that I have wronged someone that is very dear to me. Why did I do that, who knows, maybe looking for love in all the wrong places? At this moment, I am feeling what I did wrong.

Here I go again on my own! This is not a place that I ever wanted to be. What have I learned from my mistake? Never look outside of your relationship for anything. Look within it, communication, and trust are key to a happy relationship.

What I want: I know we may never recover from this, but if we do I will not and I do repeat will not do anything like that again. The entire situation is sad and it is not completely my fault. All I can do is admit my wrong and work on making me better. This time around I will make me better. I don't ever want to have this experience again. What we shared was intimate and we took each other for granted. If we could return to where we were I would be different. I would cherish every moment that we spend together. My friends would not be before you and I would work on making us better.

Since I am on my own again, my finances have completely changed. The extra cash that I had has gone to hotel rooms, moving (purchasing new things), eating out. I am not at 100% and it is to be expected, but I do know I am giving myself an entire year to get everything together.

May 11, 2010-May 11, 2011
completed all 3 KAMS
completed prospectus and dissertation
done 2 residencies
about to graduate with PhD
group home running
moved from 3210 Oneal Street
pay off Ron for fixing 637 Parkchester
pay off tax lien
pay off wachovia
pay off US Dept of Education
pay off MEA
purchase 3 houses
keep credit scores up 607, 657, 657 (they can only get better)

Something that I have noticed about myself is that the months of March-May usually has some type of chaos going on. What am I doing to attract these negative things? I am tired of my faults and like I stated earlier I will work on them and be a better person. I don't ever in life want to feel like this and I never will. Keep moving forward and let me realize that I made a mistake and the things I do have a trickle down effect on the people I am around. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me please do.

There is more that I have to say, but the time will be later. This is my financial success, the ups and downs, high and lows, but through it all I will achieve financial success. There are many things that have been put off over the years. This year, I will make them happen. All extra cash will go toward paying off the lowest debts first.

Also, remember I am paying for utilities in two places, my new residency and Parkchester. So my money is used up. Keep saving and moving forward that is my plan.