What Seems to Be the Problem?

When it rains it pours, or is this just living.  Car needs to be put in the shop.  No tail lights or radio.  Houston, we have a problem.  Don't know how much that's going to cost.  Also, within the week hopefully, the house will be lifted.  Something, at least.  There is so much that I will get done, just a matter of putting the money in the right place.  A good thing, one more year of tuition.  After that, I am sure it will be something else.  He will be 5 years old.  I've thought about a second job, but I will have to have a sure babysitter.  Am I ready for that?  At some point this will be a thing of the past. One of the problems is I don't believe in myself.  Can't see the things that I want due to assuming they will not be achieved.  My thoughts have to change.  Preventing blessings or better times from my thought process.  Investing is something that I have been playing around with and I will continue to learn as I go. 

Order, I keep typing the same thing so I can get it together.  Believing in myself and knowing that I deserve better, we deserve better, things have to change.  No more stale water, time to move, do something better with myself, with us.  The going question is:  What seems to be the problem?  No matter what, I can't get it together.  Overdrawing in my account to the point that it is blocked.  Really at this age of my life.  Again, where did I go wrong.  Out of all of this there is some good.  Credit score has gone up.  Never above 630.  Now, it's below 600.  I have failed, that's what I keep doing.  I try and try and try and it's is never enough to make things better.  I was worried, bother about my account.  Then I thought, get over it I did it so naturally, I must get out of it.  

Debt
Navy Federal
First Premier
Capital One
Obgyn
Fed Loan Servicing

When they all are paid off my credit score will increase much!  Really looking forward to that.  In the meantime, throwing things away and having order in the house is key to helping with this debt journey.  Many times, I don't wan to acknowledge the things I want out of life because usually it doesn't happen the way I wanted or not at all.  Ya, ya, that is living I know, but truly I am not where I thought I would be at this stage.

There has to be many changes.  Been paying Navient for a few years, it's about 150 a month.  Seriously thinking about stopping that payment.  Borrowed off of my 403b, that payment is 283.  The Obgyn debt I've been paying 250 a month to that, which they take that and disburse it toward other debt too.  Yes, I have much debt.  I was reading on my IG that one shouldn't go broke paying off debt, that is what I've been doing for a long time.  Living below my means, not able to do anything because I don't have any money.  Really a problem and sad.

I am not worried about the debt.  I will fix the problems that I have created.  This is so much easier to type this.  I don't know where I go wrong.  Robbing Peter to pay Paul, why does this happen to me? What is my problem? 

August (debt below will be paid in full by December 31)
First Premier pay in full
Navy Federal $100
Capital One $100
Obgyn  $100

It's all Me

It's no one else, but me!  I've been in the same place for the last however many years and I'm tired of this.  So close, but no horseshoes.  Have so many plans and nothings works.  Because I am the source of the problem.  There are so many things of interest to me, but I fight against the machine.  I'm growing and changing and need to stay focused on the most important thing.  My baby and getting out of this debt that I have accumulated over all these years.  The closer I get the further it seems to achieve my goals.

Student loans are not the major concern anymore, it is these credit cards.  I was on a roll last year and now, they are a problem.  Pay them down and after that, Obgyn and Associates (which they will not separate this debt).  Nothing beats a failure, but a try.  That I am doing is trying.

Along this journey, I forgot who I was, the things I am interested in, and what brings me joy.  Having this little boy has been interesting and sad all at the same time.  Many times, I don't know that I'm doing a good job!  I try to give him what is needed and be the love that keeps him going.  Is that enough, can I be enough for him?  Can I give him all the tools that he needs to be a successful young man?

Goals
house lifted
house painted
carpet (flooring taken up in front room, kitchen, and dining room
cabinets, counter tops replaced (back splash)
Marybelle (tail light, casing on side, headliner replaced)
Move 3/4 bedroom 2/3 bathroom 2 car garage and a fireplace

Debt
Obgyn and Associates
Fed Loan Servicing
Valic
Navient

The age of 42 is a life learning experience.  I've never been married, but I am glad that I have lived to see what life can bring you.  At this juncture of life, I've had cancer, a baby, lived in the hood, been an educator, started and didn't complete a PhD program, accumulated a ton of debt, landlord, I can go on and on, but I am still here.  With all of that said, it has been a journey that I am proud to be on.  Now, I am tired.  I have made a way when there has been none.  Stayed above water, when in my mind, I was draining.

Yes, I want to give up from time to time, but I don't!  I carry on, now, I will say, I don't interact often, but I know how to stay in my line.  It's time to get my life back.  There are no rewinds, regardless.  Seeing the forest for the trees is a major concern for me.  Know that I can accomplish anything is what is scary.  Talking a good game is much of my problem.  There are so many things that I love, but don't do.  Is it because I am afraid of success.  In real life, I am better for others than myself.  It really is sad.

Working on being a better person to myself is my key to building my own success.  I've starting thinning and throwing away.  It starts from within.  Most of my posts are rambles, I know, but it's time.  Yoga, exercising, healthy eating, games, travel, loving him are all things that are important to me.  Making sure he has much love and life!

Retirement is near and I have what it takes to be ready for this life change.  Being in the 3rd stage of life (dedication, contemplation, and benevolence:  Adulthood, Mature Adulthood, and Midlife) is something serious.  My thoughts and interests aren't like others.  I tend to wonder why is my life like this, what did I do to have this?  Those are not questions I should be asking, but what can I do to make my life better, my babies life better?

Most of my posts are scattered as my mind.  They give me something to look back on and make better decisions and choices.  I am fine, we are fine!  Trust and know that nothing is all for not!

5 Years and Counting

Life happens and it's all on how you handle it.  This has been my reality for years now.  I know what to do, but life happens and there's nothing you can do about it.  Depression is a serious thing and I think I have been in it for way to long.  Doing things to make me feel better that wastes money.  When I think about the money and time that I have wasted with nothing to show it makes me want to do better.  Doing better is the thing, what must I do to do better? 

Looking at my home, I am blessed.  Waking up daily, I am blessed.  I have a career, I am blessed.  With my financial success, I haven't been taking this blessing to heart. 

Last year I opened up an account with Ally.  I am glad that I did, overall, I didn't save like I should have when I first started teaching, but it's better late than never.  As of now, I have about $250,000 worth of debt.  Majority of it is my student loan for a degree that I never completed.  The story of my life it seems. 

This is the breakdown of all of my financial issues:
First Premier 435 (paid off June 2018)
Navy Federal  1770 (paid off September 2018)
Capital One 2334 (paid off November 2018)
Receivable Management  5104 (paid off by December 2018, 250+ a month)
Federal Loan Servicing  194,000 (December 2023)

Yes, I have charged up my credit cards.  Plus, I am going out of town the end of the month.  That has to be covered.  I'm tired of not doing right and always being behind.  Something has to give.  As for accountability, this is something that I need to work on. 

Going back to the depression thing I don't want to do anything, not even organize the house.  I'm tired of being sick and tired.  No exercise, no eating right, nothing.  My posts are always scattered due to my mind bouncing all over the place.  It seems I am always behind.  Always.  There's always something to do, but I don't want to do it.  Nothing.  Sometimes I question my mom abilities.  Don't get me wrong I do what needs to be done, but for real I could be better.  So much better. 

There are things that need to be done in the house: 
fascia board replaced again
house lifted
floor in kitchen, dining room, and front room replaced with pergo flooring
new cabinets in kitchen
house painted
fence replaced in backyard

As I stated earlier, I have an account with Ally.  I withdraw money from the account monthly, which in no way shape, form, or fashion is that ok.  Because it's not.  Today, I have 1900 in the account.  Monthly, I will add 500 to the account, by the end of the year there will be 5435 in that account.  I will either use that money to pay off something or continue to let that money grow. 

Marybelle just got out of the shop, that was $500.  I'm glad that I had the money to pay for it.  Again, life happens.  There's always something.  This is what living is.  Also, been working on something that I wanted to do for a long time.  I started and stopped.  Now it's time to pick it back up. 

Life is happening all around and no matter what it is not going to stop.  Using my credit cards hasn't helped, but I will get it together.  11 years until I can retire and at this point I'm ready.  Having a little boy changes things.  Making sure he has what he needs is hard, but I was giving this opportunity and I'm going to make the best of it. 

My goal is the save and get out of this debt.  It is hard, but it will be worth it.  I'm only human and making the best of it. 

Will I Ever Get This Together?

Spinning wheels and getting nowhere fast.  Been on this financial success journey for years and in my opinion I haven't gotten far at all.  I write and I don't write, I make promises to myself and don't keep them.  This journey is a trying one, but worth all the effort.  When I complain, I'm told that that's what we call living. Am I living wrong?  What is the problem?  In real life it seems I can't get right, but then there is everything to be thankful for and for that I am thankful!  

My debt is something that really bothers me and makes my life miserable.  Again, things are wonderful!  My problems go on and on!  Number 1:  Health is my mine concern.  Number 2:  Making sure I can take care of my baby.  Number 3:  Handling my financial success.  Number 4:  Making sure I do the right thing.  Number 4:  Be present for my mom.

In life period I get caught up on putting money in the right place and not spending on food.  That's my biggest issue, food.  When I try to do right something happens, car goes out, washing machine dies, glasses get broken, anything that could happens does and I'm just tired.

To date, there have been several debts that have been paid off, but there are several more that need to be tended to.

Where does time go, money, your life?  Where does it all go?  Away, that's where it goes.  The plans that I've made for my life, where did they go?  I wonder from time to time, what did I do wrong, where did I go wrong?  Now, the question is what to do to make things better?  I don't need to get discouraged at all.  Keep fighting this battle and put money where it belongs, to my debt.

Issues
Capital One $779  May 2018
Navy Federal $1450  June 2018
Obgyn  $5354 paid off by December 2018
Navient $12,388 $11,488 or to $10,000 first  December 2019
Fed Loan Servicing $193,280  December 2028 Call because they are not taking my Public Loan Forgiveness paperwork

Now what needs to be done?  Get over myself and do what is best.  Continue a good fight and not give up.  This is one of the hardest things I have done.  What makes it so frustrating for me is that I'm not this person that goes hard and shops, shops, shops, I don't do that.  I can't seem to get it together.
Negative self talk is what can sabotage this entire financial journey that I am on.  Honestly, like always, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.  This is getting old. 

Rethinking my problems, have to take my time organize and not get down due to my own financial issues.  The credit cards were supposed to help with getting my credit score higher.  They did for a few and then it went for not.

It's ok, it's alright!  Things will get better.  As long as I stay focused, don't get side-tracked, and use money for my (our benefit) things will be fine.

Things to do
Get Marybelle towed and fixed
Get Liam towed and fixed
If too much money both cars will be sold
Clean house top to bottom
Save $500-$1000 a month
Get over myself and my issues and do the damn thing
Come up with a plan to get rid of this $193,000 debt
Read more
Save for a down payment on another house

Things in House
kitchen counter tops
kitchen cabinets
kitchen/dining room floor
front room floor
fascia board house
house painted
fence fixed
storage unit removed from yard

It doesn't seem that I have been in my career as long as I have and it's been a long time.  Now, I have only 12 years to retire and do what's best for us.  Use my salary to pay off this debt.  It's really not much, but it is something that has hindered me from doing and being what I want to be.

Things will get better, if there is extra money it will go toward the lowest debt that I have.  I made a plan that if we don't eat out, that money saved during the week will go toward debt.  We will see how that works.

This blog is supposed to help me, but in real life I don't want to face my problems.  If I ignore them they will go away and that is not the case.  They tend to get worse instead of getting better.  All it takes is me, me doing right by my money, not offer spending and focusing on being the best me that I can be.