It's all Me

It's no one else, but me!  I've been in the same place for the last however many years and I'm tired of this.  So close, but no horseshoes.  Have so many plans and nothings works.  Because I am the source of the problem.  There are so many things of interest to me, but I fight against the machine.  I'm growing and changing and need to stay focused on the most important thing.  My baby and getting out of this debt that I have accumulated over all these years.  The closer I get the further it seems to achieve my goals.

Student loans are not the major concern anymore, it is these credit cards.  I was on a roll last year and now, they are a problem.  Pay them down and after that, Obgyn and Associates (which they will not separate this debt).  Nothing beats a failure, but a try.  That I am doing is trying.

Along this journey, I forgot who I was, the things I am interested in, and what brings me joy.  Having this little boy has been interesting and sad all at the same time.  Many times, I don't know that I'm doing a good job!  I try to give him what is needed and be the love that keeps him going.  Is that enough, can I be enough for him?  Can I give him all the tools that he needs to be a successful young man?

Goals
house lifted
house painted
carpet (flooring taken up in front room, kitchen, and dining room
cabinets, counter tops replaced (back splash)
Marybelle (tail light, casing on side, headliner replaced)
Move 3/4 bedroom 2/3 bathroom 2 car garage and a fireplace

Debt
Obgyn and Associates
Fed Loan Servicing
Valic
Navient

The age of 42 is a life learning experience.  I've never been married, but I am glad that I have lived to see what life can bring you.  At this juncture of life, I've had cancer, a baby, lived in the hood, been an educator, started and didn't complete a PhD program, accumulated a ton of debt, landlord, I can go on and on, but I am still here.  With all of that said, it has been a journey that I am proud to be on.  Now, I am tired.  I have made a way when there has been none.  Stayed above water, when in my mind, I was draining.

Yes, I want to give up from time to time, but I don't!  I carry on, now, I will say, I don't interact often, but I know how to stay in my line.  It's time to get my life back.  There are no rewinds, regardless.  Seeing the forest for the trees is a major concern for me.  Know that I can accomplish anything is what is scary.  Talking a good game is much of my problem.  There are so many things that I love, but don't do.  Is it because I am afraid of success.  In real life, I am better for others than myself.  It really is sad.

Working on being a better person to myself is my key to building my own success.  I've starting thinning and throwing away.  It starts from within.  Most of my posts are rambles, I know, but it's time.  Yoga, exercising, healthy eating, games, travel, loving him are all things that are important to me.  Making sure he has much love and life!

Retirement is near and I have what it takes to be ready for this life change.  Being in the 3rd stage of life (dedication, contemplation, and benevolence:  Adulthood, Mature Adulthood, and Midlife) is something serious.  My thoughts and interests aren't like others.  I tend to wonder why is my life like this, what did I do to have this?  Those are not questions I should be asking, but what can I do to make my life better, my babies life better?

Most of my posts are scattered as my mind.  They give me something to look back on and make better decisions and choices.  I am fine, we are fine!  Trust and know that nothing is all for not!