Do I Deserve Anything?

As I sit and wonder about my life and the things I've accomplished and haven't.  I wonder do I deserve anything better than the things I have achieved?  Wanting so much more for myself and the baby, but life is hard and the pickles I have gotten myself into make me wonder.  

It seems I try all for nothing!

There's a Land Rover that is not functioning anymore that needs to be sold
A house that needs to be rented
A house that I live in that needs to be fixed, the mortgage is too much and I'm ready to move
A dissertation that needs to be written, but I can't afford it because I have exhausted my financial aid
Mini Cooper that is almost paid for, but has several issues

This is the story of my life.  It seems so hard, but it really doesn't have to be.  Issues on top of issues keep coming out of no where and the main objective is to stay afloat.  There are things that need to be done, but there's something in me that says self sabotage is the best option.

Cancel insurance on Land Rover, waste of money
Rent out house
Clean my house
Get grass cut
Get caught up on student loans
Put back money that I have taken out

Looking at my house, it's depressing, it needs to be organized and cleaned, but it's mine.  The neighborhood is crazy and I want so much better for him, he deserves it and I do too, don't I?

It is hard to save money and there is so much that I have wasted and blown over the years.  Now, it's do or die.

Save $7,000 a year
Save enough money to move next year
Get credit score higher so I can move
Believe I deserve everything that I want and desire

In a couple of months I will be 40 years of age and it is a blessing to have seen 39 wonderful, but challenging years.  It only gets better, right?  That's what I'm hoping.  I've made it through some trying times, and I do believe I'm here for a reason.  What I need to understand is I'm worth everything that I want.  Plus, this baby deserves more.

If not today, Monday, I will go in and cancel my insurance for the Land Rover.  Also, before the end of the month the house will be rented.  Plus, my house will be kinda clean.  You read that, kinda clean.  I will also call to get my grass cut.  As a matter of fact, I'll make that call now when I finish writing this.

In all honesty, I'm at the half way point in my life and at some point I gave up on myself and my life.  I don't know if it was the break up, break ins, thyroid cancer, survival, situation, or the baby, but life for me changed drastically.  My emotions have been a roller coaster.  Sometimes, I don't know whether I'm coming or going.
Finances are another aspect of my life.  It gets good and then bad.  The worse part of my finances are the student loans.  There has to be something else and this has to get better.  These student loans will not get the best of me.  It does make me sad.

This is my life and it will get better.  I do believe in myself.

Pessimism at Its Best

My life is so different now.  Responsible for a baby is something that I never thought I would encounter.  Never under these conditions.  It's my reality and I'll say it's mine to own up to.  I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing, but it's my life to do with it as I will.  The transition is a scary one and realizing the things that I wanted to do and didn't is hard.  There are so many things that kept me from doing other things.  I'm in a great place, but my thoughts get the best of me.  For instance, worrying about a reality that my never come to fruition is something that I do on a regular basis.  I'm sad more than happy.  I look at things that I shouldn't, I make myself sad.  This isn't the time to be doing that, but I do.  As if something gets into my mind and it festers continuously.

Now isn't the time to be down.  It's the holiday season, is my mind reliving my past.  This time last year was something serious, but it's over now.  To me life will repeat itself, if changes aren't made, but it repeats itself sometimes anyway.

Financial issues:
Student loans
Mortgage (month behind)
Car Note (month behind)
Medical bills (2,000)
Mom (2,000)

On top of that, it's time to move into a better situation.  Wanting better for myself and him.  He deserves to have a nice backyard that he can play in.  A decent neighborhood that's safe and secure.  His mother needs to sit down and organize her life.  Something that I'm truly having a hard time doing.  It seems like I just can't get right, no matter what.  It's me, no time.  Thoughts are cloudy, feel like I can't do anything.  Always rushing, no thoughts, just existing.  This is not why I was given life.  Morbid things are always taking the for front of my life.  Tired, like there's never enough.  Wanting to do right by him, not knowing if I'm cut out for this new position that I've been given.  Thankful that I was chosen, but so much has changed.

This post like most, is a rumble of my thoughts, which aren't clear at all.

Pay something off, that's the least I can do.  Did I mention that there are always car issues.  Issues with Marybelle's seats.  Liam is sitting in my moms backyard.  I don't want to go anywhere or do anything.  Afraid of getting sick again.  What do I do, where do I go?  How do I handle my thought?  Always overdrawing in my account.

Transfer $100 to my Navy Federal account, and put $50 in my TIC account.  I have many in MEA, that I have been getting when I need cash.  Also, I need to open up him an account.  I don't want him to struggle like I have.  Want so much more for him.

Write a will, open him an account, get this business going.  Get my life right, I want him to have better, but how can that happen if I don't want better for myself.  Being in the dumps is something that I can't seem to shake, but it'll pass it always does.

Thanks for reading!  Happy Holidays!

There are Blessings

Life goes on no matter what.  Bills, expenses, deaths, life, growth, hurt, pains, no matter what life goes on.  I've been looking at this thing called life and tragic as it seems, there are blessings in every aspect of it.  In my life there seems to always be an issue, the summer seems to be the biggest problem that I have.  Money always coming out, robbing Peter to pay Paul is the story of my life.  Through it all there are blessings.  Phone call after phone call, debt collectors constantly calling the house phone and cell makes me feel less of a person.  Yes, this does bother me, but at least I have income coming in.  I don't excessively spend, but no matter what there is always an issue.

Problems:
September bills
mortgage 1300 since I didn't pay for August
Walden 5000

I'm just tired of trying.  Come to find out I only have 12.78 years of teaching.  30 in order to retire.  Can't pay for this Phd program on my own.  Really feel like giving up and that I think I'm going to do.  Don't know whether I'm coming or going.  Whatever I try to do lately ends of failing.  Through it all there are blessings.  I have my health, a handsome baby boy that was unexpected, I'm cancer free, a mother that loves me, a roof over my head, 2 vehicles, I could go on and on.

Even though my finances aren't what I would like them to be there are several blessings that I receive.  I'm going to say thank you for them and I'm ready to receive the ones for my future.

Bumps in the Road

As long as you live, there will be bumps in the road.  Many times it is done because you aren't living right.  Other times, to make you aware of the changes that need to be made.  In my world, patience has been working on me for some time now.  I said it a while ago, that there is a young lady that is trying to get out.  She is her, but things are not as they should be.  Not for real.

As I stated before, I get close and something tends to happen.  I guess that is the thing we call life.  So there has to be major adjustments made.  Something has happened that has made me rethink things.  First, I need to find another place to stay.  That is one of the steps and second, it needs to be cheaper than what I pay now.

As you probably remember, my credit has taken a downside and have been working toward making it better.  In my mind there is no clarity.  There is chaos in most of my thoughts.  Nothing is clear and it seems I can't seem to focus on anything.

To be honest, the devil has made me feel some kind of way.  That is because I am probably on the verge of a major break thorough.  One thing is for sure, I am thankful because out of bad does come good.  This has taught me that I need to be more secure and even though I am from that area, it is time for me to move on.

Today, I will look at other options on how I can get things better and move toward being this better person.  Yes, it did make me sad, but things could have gone in a different direction.  I am better and things will be better.

My situation is not that bad, but it is mine!  No one can take that away from me.

Issues:
behind one month on mortgage due to paying for Walden
Sallie Mae behind
Walden owe can't get back in school until I pay for previous term
Liam hose fixed and flat tire

Tired of always being on the losing end.  When will I finally get it together?