Friday, June 12, 2015

Do I Deserve Anything?


As I sit and wonder about my life and the things I've accomplished and haven't.  I wonder do I deserve anything better than the things I have achieved?  Wanting so much more for myself and the baby, but life is hard and the pickles I have gotten myself into make me wonder.  


It seems I try all for nothing!

There's a Land Rover that is not functioning anymore that needs to be sold
A house that needs to be rented
A house that I live in that needs to be fixed, the mortgage is too much and I'm ready to move
A dissertation that needs to be written, but I can't afford it because I have exhausted my financial aid
Mini Cooper that is almost paid for, but has several issues

This is the story of my life.  It seems so hard, but it really doesn't have to be.  Issues on top of issues keep coming out of no where and the main objective is to stay afloat.  There are things that need to be done, but there's something in me that says self sabotage is the best option.

Cancel insurance on Land Rover, waste of money
Rent out house
Clean my house
Get grass cut
Get caught up on student loans
Put back money that I have taken out

Looking at my house, it's depressing, it needs to be organized and cleaned, but it's mine.  The neighborhood is crazy and I want so much better for him, he deserves it and I do too, don't I?

It is hard to save money and there is so much that I have wasted and blown over the years.  Now, it's do or die.

Save $7,000 a year
Save enough money to move next year
Get credit score higher so I can move
Believe I deserve everything that I want and desire

In a couple of months I will be 40 years of age and it is a blessing to have seen 39 wonderful, but challenging years.  It only gets better, right?  That's what I'm hoping.  I've made it through some trying times, and I do believe I'm here for a reason.  What I need to understand is I'm worth everything that I want.  Plus, this baby deserves more.

If not today, Monday, I will go in and cancel my insurance for the Land Rover.  Also, before the end of the month the house will be rented.  Plus, my house will be kinda clean.  You read that, kinda clean.  I will also call to get my grass cut.  As a matter of fact, I'll make that call now when I finish writing this.

In all honesty, I'm at the half way point in my life and at some point I gave up on myself and my life.  I don't know if it was the break up, break ins, thyroid cancer, survival, situation, or the baby, but life for me changed drastically.  My emotions have been a roller coaster.  Sometimes, I don't know whether I'm coming or going.
Finances are another aspect of my life.  It gets good and then bad.  The worse part of my finances are the student loans.  There has to be something else and this has to get better.  These student loans will not get the best of me.  It does make me sad.

This is my life and it will get better.  I do believe in myself.

Monday, June 1, 2015

Reviewing Things

As I think about my life I am truly blessed.  I am still here.  Once upon a time I had this spirit that would do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, that girl left.  Where she went, I don't know.  The thing that is crazy are the decisions that I made really weren't the best.  True, what goes up most come down, that I completely understand.

Bad decisions
Liam should have been sold a long time ago, now I don't know if I'll be able to get rid of him.
Marybelle, it rains in her, I can't use the key to unlock the door, and now my seats will not move.
My house, in a neighborhood that's all I say, cost to much, interest rate high

On the other hand, I was able to do all of these things.  Now that 40 is coming fast, I feel that there are several things I should have done, but didn't do.  It's not the best feeling.  One thing I can say is I have learned from my mistakes and all I can do is try to make them better.

It's the summer time and there are things I want to do.
Laingley's 1st birthday party
take a trip in July
get house together
take a mommy and me swim class
take him to the beach

All of this takes money, did I mention that I dropped my phone again.  It never fails, there is always something.  On a brighter note, I do feel better about myself.  I've decided to do the things that I have failed to do.  For instance, take a drawing class.  I also want to take sign language.

I'm taking one day at a time, that's all I can do.  Tomorrow isn't promised I know, but I have to make the most of it.  I've gotten over myself and I must stay that way.  

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