Friday, November 28, 2014

Pessimism at Its Best

My life is so different now.  Responsible for a baby is something that I never thought I would encounter.  Never under these conditions.  It's my reality and I'll say it's mine to own up to.  I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing, but it's my life to do with it as I will.  The transition is a scary one and realizing the things that I wanted to do and didn't is hard.  There are so many things that kept me from doing other things.  I'm in a great place, but my thoughts get the best of me.  For instance, worrying about a reality that my never come to fruition is something that I do on a regular basis.  I'm sad more than happy.  I look at things that I shouldn't, I make myself sad.  This isn't the time to be doing that, but I do.  As if something gets into my mind and it festers continuously.

Now isn't the time to be down.  It's the holiday season, is my mind reliving my past.  This time last year was something serious, but it's over now.  To me life will repeat itself, if changes aren't made, but it repeats itself sometimes anyway.

Financial issues:
Student loans
Mortgage (month behind)
Car Note (month behind)
Medical bills (2,000)
Mom (2,000)

On top of that, it's time to move into a better situation.  Wanting better for myself and him.  He deserves to have a nice backyard that he can play in.  A decent neighborhood that's safe and secure.  His mother needs to sit down and organize her life.  Something that I'm truly having a hard time doing.  It seems like I just can't get right, no matter what.  It's me, no time.  Thoughts are cloudy, feel like I can't do anything.  Always rushing, no thoughts, just existing.  This is not why I was given life.  Morbid things are always taking the for front of my life.  Tired, like there's never enough.  Wanting to do right by him, not knowing if I'm cut out for this new position that I've been given.  Thankful that I was chosen, but so much has changed.

This post like most, is a rumble of my thoughts, which aren't clear at all.

Pay something off, that's the least I can do.  Did I mention that there are always car issues.  Issues with Marybelle's seats.  Liam is sitting in my moms backyard.  I don't want to go anywhere or do anything.  Afraid of getting sick again.  What do I do, where do I go?  How do I handle my thought?  Always overdrawing in my account.

Transfer $100 to my Navy Federal account, and put $50 in my TIC account.  I have many in MEA, that I have been getting when I need cash.  Also, I need to open up him an account.  I don't want him to struggle like I have.  Want so much more for him.

Write a will, open him an account, get this business going.  Get my life right, I want him to have better, but how can that happen if I don't want better for myself.  Being in the dumps is something that I can't seem to shake, but it'll pass it always does.

Thanks for reading!  Happy Holidays!

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Subtle Changes on the Horizon

As I've said before, life keeps moving with or without you.  I would prefer for it to be with me.  Trouble tends to rear its ugly head at anytime in ones life.  This seems to be what goes on with me often.  A new baby, new life, new responsibilities, just new everything.  And still I am here.  Trouble doesn't last always, but what to do in the meantime?  Continue to live life as it should and try to do the right thing.  What is the right thing?  Paying bills, helping others, not going under, staying focused, all of those things.  And still I survive.  Looking at life through the eyes of a mother is so different.  Thinking of someone other than myself is really different and new for me.  This is a very emotional journey.  Listening to speakers, preachers and others, there have been some awesome words that I have heard about life and our place here on Earth.  Wow, this is my child, he is mine.  One day he'll be big and I'll be old and he'll have a family of his on.  These moments are so precious.  For that reason, I am trying my best to be a better person, do things different than I have ever in my life.  It's hard, I will admit.  I have been here writing for many years and things get better, than worse, better, but more worse.  That's not correct English.

So much debt, I keep going under.  So many decisions to be made, yet God keeps blessing me and keeping me afloat.  I wonder what's the point and purpose of it all.  In the end, we are all going to die.  I really don't mean for this post to be morbid, these are just random thoughts, I don't mean any harm.

My thoughts have been chaotic, lack focus and guidance.  Several bills, but survival is the only options.  There are so many bills, I don't know where to begin to get it together.  Car issues, it just never stops.  Get a car fixed and the other one messes up.  It just doesn't stop.

Bills
Student loans
Walden University 5000
Trinity Center 2000
St. Francis
Columbus Clinic
Mortgage 1300
Marybelle  900
mom  2500
First Premier 90
JC Penny's 200

Plus, I feel that I am in default with one of my student loans.  Staying above water is a challenge.  Always robbing Peter to pay Paul, it seems to never end.  Tomorrow, I need to call my student loans and see what can be done so my taxes aren't garnished.  When I get paid, pay the back mortgage and car note, pay mom, how much I don't know.  I need to put something in Navy Federal, wow what a year brings.  Credit score is awful and that's alright.

Things to do tomorrow
Call student loan to see what the damage is
Call St. Francis billing
Set up payments for Marybelle and mortgage

I will be just fine, I know it, trust

Thursday, August 21, 2014

It's My Life

Looking back over my life, I have had a wonderful one.  Full of ups and downs, but I guess that is what life is composed of.  I remember making plans and some coming to reality and others falling by the way side.  Through it all things have been great.  Sicknesses, losses, life, death, overcoming and moving forward.  Not holding on to things makes it hard, but much easier to cope.

Making plans to retire by 20 and have a PhD, have they been my reality.  No, they haven't.  Is it due to fault of my own, why, yes. I'll admit, things haven't turned out how I've wanted them to or expected, but I'm here to tell the story.

I've come to terms with not being able to afford my PhD.  Exhausting my financial aid, I'm not able to afford school anymore.  Plus, there are other things that are more important than obtaining that degree.  Even though, I've always wanted to have D. R. period in the front of my name, since I was in junior high school.  I've wondered since I started the program what I would do with it once I finished.  To be honest, I think I was afraid to complete it.  Being in the program since 2005.  This seemed to be something I just couldn't finish, for whatever reason.  Afraid, I'll say this has been the one thing that I haven't been able to complete and get off my back.  At one point, I felt like a failure, but now, I have just let go.

Having a baby and being a cancer survivor has made me look at life in a totally different perspective.  Life is intricate.  One minute your here, the next you're gone.  What is it all worth?  The things we deem important sometimes aren't.  So, I'm looking at doing things a little different.  I understand that many things are out of our control, but overall, you have to put God first in everything you do.

Things I'm going to do different
18 months left on Marybelle, put 100-200 extra on my 450 payment (this will allow car to be paid off in 12-14 months)
Oneal Street on HAP, 1 year lease
Get baby an account, put 100 in his account monthly for the next 18 years.  Find an account that will earn a decent interest rate
Pay off Walden
Get student loans under control
Prepare to move from Fisk (4 bedroom/2 bath fireplace and 2 car garage) it's time to get out of the hood
Put any extra money in my account (save 50-200 a month)
Start preparing for winter for baby (get ahead of things, before I know it he'll be 1 years old)
Stop wasting money and do better overall

There have been many things that have occurred in my life and I look at things so different.  It's time to make a change and do it for the better.  What is it all worth?  I don't want to have any regrets.  I have done many things that I may not be proud of, but through it all I have overcome.  Having this baby makes things seem so clear.  Maybe I'm a little more emotional than I've been before, but I know I have to do better for him to have a good life.

It seems that I can't get ahead and that there is a financial curse on me.  I don't know, but somewhere things have got to be different.  All I can do is live me life and do the best I can.

Friday, August 15, 2014

This is No Easy Thing

There have been many things that have happened in my life since I've had this blog, but that's neither here nor there.  The ultimate goal is financial success which I haven't yet achieved.  Life is a work in progress and it only gets better.

Over the years of course I've gotten older.  I had a major break up, several break ins, several moves, move from schools, thyroid cancer, cancer free, and a baby.   Life goes on and through it all I still haven't completed my PhD.  One thing I've realized is what is it all worth?  When it's all said and done, what is the point?  I try and try to achieve financial freedom, but things just keep happening.  Like nothing is ever right.

Looking over the issues, which are several.
Walden University:  can't keep paying for school on my own, can't afford it.  Yes, I'm close, but there are other issues that need to be dealt with financially.
Laingley:  he need things, plus I have to pay my mother back for his birth.  Did I mention save for his future?  That's a must.
medical bills:  really don't know how much that is, but it's much.  Plus, I have old bills that need to be handled
Liam:  needs a muffler really bad, don't need to drive Marybelle with Laingley
1027:  things in here need to be updated:  get rid of carpet in hallway, new counter tops, cut down tree limbs around the house

Having a new baby is something that's different and new.  Something that I've never experienced in my entire life.  Every night I melt a little, this love is so real, I can't explain how I feel.  I understand a mother's love now.  Life is so intricate and precious.  This is so real, I love this little boy with everything that I have and no one can take that away from me.  No one could have told me that this would be my reality.  Who would've thought?  Not me!  I'm learning everyday, this is an on the job training for me.  Overall, my financial obligations have changed and what I wasn't doing I need to start so this little boy can have something.

For him
Open an account and put in 100-200 a month for the next 18 years
Get more properties so when he gets older he'll have something when and if he wants
Turn in paperwork for bonds

My life
Take my time to get things organized.  I want to move the year of my turning 40, which is next year.  So, 2015-16, things should be much different and I'll be in a good place to move from this place.  It's time to be grown up.  I'm 38 years old and still not where I want to be.  It's time to grow up. I've made a decision and it's time to let school go.  Along the way, I've forgotten how to be me and the things that I want to do.  I used to enjoy life, but something happened.  No, it's not the baby.  This happened way before then.  Something sucked the life out of me.  It wasn't the cancer either.  I don't know what is was.  Life for me has changed.  Also, as for my finances, it seems that I get close and something happens.  Like there is something holding me back from financial freedom.  Maybe it's just my thoughts or me period.  It's a fight that I'm going to continue to have until I work through it.  It's has to get better and be a better way.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

There are Blessings

Life goes on no matter what.  Bills, expenses, deaths, life, growth, hurt, pains, no matter what life goes on.  I've been looking at this thing called life and tragic as it seems, there are blessings in every aspect of it.  In my life there seems to always be an issue, the summer seems to be the biggest problem that I have.  Money always coming out, robbing Peter to pay Paul is the story of my life.  Through it all there are blessings.  Phone call after phone call, debt collectors constantly calling the house phone and cell makes me feel less of a person.  Yes, this does bother me, but at least I have income coming in.  I don't excessively spend, but no matter what there is always an issue.

Problems:
September bills
mortgage 1300 since I didn't pay for August
Walden 5000

I'm just tired of trying.  Come to find out I only have 12.78 years of teaching.  30 in order to retire.  Can't pay for this Phd program on my own.  Really feel like giving up and that I think I'm going to do.  Don't know whether I'm coming or going.  Whatever I try to do lately ends of failing.  Through it all there are blessings.  I have my health, a handsome baby boy that was unexpected, I'm cancer free, a mother that loves me, a roof over my head, 2 vehicles, I could go on and on.

Even though my finances aren't what I would like them to be there are several blessings that I receive.  I'm going to say thank you for them and I'm ready to receive the ones for my future.

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