Life Goes on no Matter What

Here I am!  That is something that I am so glad to be.  You live and learn and that's what I've been doing.  Beating myself up over past mistakes, decisions, choices, anything.  Overall, just not happy with my life.  That is so sad!  What can I do?  Except my life and move on, because time waits for no man.  I realize that over all of these years, I have wasted so much time, money, and energy.  Where would I be if I saved more money than I spent?  Not in this place.

Beating myself up is something that I do on a daily basis.  Most of the time I compare myself to others and I know that is not what God intended for any of us.  No one can walk in another's shoes.  Everyone has a different path to follow and what is for me is for me only.

As for My Financial Success, it has been a constant struggle, from student loans to other issues, I can't seem to win for losing.

Things that need to be handled
Land Rover sitting in front yard since last year
student loan debt 172,000
other student loans 30,000
credit scores  576 and 585

Things that I'm working on
getting house situated:  2 bedrooms painted, carpet taken up, hardwood under carpet
hallway:  carpet taken up, floor done
kitchen:  cabinets replaced, new counter top, flooring
new bedroom set

Where did I go wrong?  Not putting money to good use, not enjoying life.  I don't try to live like the Jones', but sometimes I feel I don't deserve things.  Right now, I am working on putting my money to good use.  Also, having this little boy has changed my life for the good.  I actually have saved money for him, that I should have been saving for myself a long time ago.  What changes life will bring.

Working on bringing up my credit scores.  Paying things off one at a time.  I learned something, I shouldn't have consolidated my loans, I had 2 to fall off due to them being 20 years old.  Go figure!

Something that I have learned, I am not my credit score.  Having a good one does seem to help make life a little better.

New Year, Same Old Thing

Happy Happy New Year!  There are so many good and not so good things going on.  Let's see my credit score has dropped something serious.  I have paid off Marybelle, that's $450 to debt.  Things are working themselves out.  2015 was a different year for me.  Having to adjust to being a new mom says it all.  I never thought this would be my reality, but it is.

Looking back over all the years.  The fun, sex, relationships, useless things that have gone and really didn't mean anything.  What was the purpose?  Back then, I should have been an international traveler.  Instead of trying to have all the sex, or make this relationship work.  I should have been purchasing real estate and filling up my passport.  Which by the way, I haven't gotten the first stamp in it.  Go figure.

Being 40 has made me realize many things about myself.

• loner
• kind
• giver
• caring
• emotional
• lovely
• adventurer

Just to name of few.  Right now, of course, I am where I thought I wouldn't be.  Living in one of my rental properties understanding that it is time to move on to something else.  

What have I been doing to make things better?

• pay off student loans prior to 1995 so I can get teacher loan forgiveness
• 1638 and 3600
• contact private loans that are with collection agency to see about updating credit information
• working on getting house ready for when I move
• paying off credit cards 
• pay off medical bills
• save something monthly

Last year was really different.  Getting adjusted and making sure that I had enough.  Losing myself and now trying to get her back has been a journey.  Also, yesterday, my new furnace got put in, that was $1400.  Not thinking that I deserve better has been an issue, but overall I been staying above water.  

This credit score has dropped below 600 and that's truly sad.  Wanted and needing to move is something that is seriously on my to-do list.  Having this baby has really put many things in perspective.  Also, like I stated earlier, so much time, energy, and money wasted on worldly items.  Where did it get me, not where I thought I would or should be.  

Another thing, not graduating with a Phd has done something to me.  All of this student loan debt and to not have a degree, what a waste of time, energy, and other peoples money.  Now, what do I do?  Suck it up and make a change, where change is due.  

Today, I will write a letter to the credit agencies where these default student loans are and see about making a payment arrangement to bring these debts current and put them in good standing.  It seems I'm always robbing Peter to pay Paul, but I'm here and I'm making it, is all that matters.  

Not going to worry about past decisions, or mistakes.  All I can do is stay current and make it better.  Swimming in debt will not be my future.  Things will get better and I'm determined to do it.  

Do I Deserve Anything?

As I sit and wonder about my life and the things I've accomplished and haven't.  I wonder do I deserve anything better than the things I have achieved?  Wanting so much more for myself and the baby, but life is hard and the pickles I have gotten myself into make me wonder.  

It seems I try all for nothing!

There's a Land Rover that is not functioning anymore that needs to be sold
A house that needs to be rented
A house that I live in that needs to be fixed, the mortgage is too much and I'm ready to move
A dissertation that needs to be written, but I can't afford it because I have exhausted my financial aid
Mini Cooper that is almost paid for, but has several issues

This is the story of my life.  It seems so hard, but it really doesn't have to be.  Issues on top of issues keep coming out of no where and the main objective is to stay afloat.  There are things that need to be done, but there's something in me that says self sabotage is the best option.

Cancel insurance on Land Rover, waste of money
Rent out house
Clean my house
Get grass cut
Get caught up on student loans
Put back money that I have taken out

Looking at my house, it's depressing, it needs to be organized and cleaned, but it's mine.  The neighborhood is crazy and I want so much better for him, he deserves it and I do too, don't I?

It is hard to save money and there is so much that I have wasted and blown over the years.  Now, it's do or die.

Save $7,000 a year
Save enough money to move next year
Get credit score higher so I can move
Believe I deserve everything that I want and desire

In a couple of months I will be 40 years of age and it is a blessing to have seen 39 wonderful, but challenging years.  It only gets better, right?  That's what I'm hoping.  I've made it through some trying times, and I do believe I'm here for a reason.  What I need to understand is I'm worth everything that I want.  Plus, this baby deserves more.

If not today, Monday, I will go in and cancel my insurance for the Land Rover.  Also, before the end of the month the house will be rented.  Plus, my house will be kinda clean.  You read that, kinda clean.  I will also call to get my grass cut.  As a matter of fact, I'll make that call now when I finish writing this.

In all honesty, I'm at the half way point in my life and at some point I gave up on myself and my life.  I don't know if it was the break up, break ins, thyroid cancer, survival, situation, or the baby, but life for me changed drastically.  My emotions have been a roller coaster.  Sometimes, I don't know whether I'm coming or going.
Finances are another aspect of my life.  It gets good and then bad.  The worse part of my finances are the student loans.  There has to be something else and this has to get better.  These student loans will not get the best of me.  It does make me sad.

This is my life and it will get better.  I do believe in myself.

Making Subtle Changes

Coming to terms with my reality has been a learning lesson and a bunch of other things.  I have been thinking seriously about letting go of both vehicles.  That means selling them both.  The Land Rover (Liam) needs some work and so does the Mini Cooper (Marybelle).  Something has to give.  We need something that we can fit in comfortably, low gas mileage, and can serve the purpose of us.  What kind of car would that be?  I don't know, but I know I want to pay cash for whatever that may be.  At the same time the house needs to be repaired.  I did get a few things done a couple of weeks ago.  There are still several things that need attention.  The only thing I can do is take one thing at a time.

See what's wrong with the flooring
Get another tree limbs cut (from in neighbors yard)

The major thing is reduction, getting rid of things that aren't needed anymore.  My how the pendulum has shifted.

As for the flooring, he's going to have to go under the house to see what the problem is and we go from there.  I have to have enough to survive.

Going to have Liam towed today to see what's wrong with him.  The towing is free and the consultation is too.  That's good, now to see how much it's going to cost to get him fixed.  Once he's fixed, I will not drive Marybelle for a while until I have enough to get the seats repaired.  I only owe $3283 on Marybelle.  I'm so ready to be done with that monthly bill.  See what a mid-life crisis will do for you.  Bad choices.

During my break:
Get Liam towed
Call student loan companies to see about consolidation and cutting late months
Call First Premier to get another card
Call Greentree to find out about getting rid of 6 missed payments on account

Student loans
I have them, misused them and took them for granted.  I'm here now.  Do I need to finish my PhD program?  Yes.  Do I have the money?  No.  When I finish, my pay will increase by about $12,000 a year.  That's about $1000 a month.  That would be great.  Right now, I don't see how this can be done.

Where there's a will, there's a way.  I will continue to pay what I can on these debts and move forward.  Going to call today to see what I can do to get these things under control.  This is the reason why my credit scores are having a hard time.  Live and learn.

I'll admit, I have been down on myself lately and don't know where to turn to make things better.  What I do know is I don't need to create any more debt.  Get out of the debt I have.  Move forward and make things better for the long run. I'll be just fine, we'll be just fine.  I believe in myself and this journey that I am on.  The first steps are knowing and second is doing something about it.  Focus on the problem and make it work.

I got this.  Sometimes it seems I don't, but it will all work itself out.  Trust!

Almost a Year Later

There have been many things that have happened in my life.  To go back a few years ago, I found out I had thyroid cancer, cured, and this year, actually a few days ago I had a little boy.  So happy about that.  How does this deal with finances you may ask.  Well, I had to pay for the delivery, not the entire amount, but my co-pay which was close to 2,000 up front.  While in the hospital bed, this matter had to be satisfied.

The summer months
In my opinion, the summer months tend to be the hardest for me, why?  I don't know.  A lot of mismanagement of money.  I got Liam fixed that was 1,200, the check bounced.  Didn't do it on purpose.  The house on Oneal Street, put it on HAP, that was a great decision, but the deposit soon went.  Had to go into money I had saved to pay for the total cost of repairs.

Right now, I am overdrawn in my account close to 500, so that money will be gone when I get paid.  It's one thing after another it always seems.  On top of bills, I have to get my tags.  Last year, my mom get my tags for me.  This has to be done.  Another thing, I have to give my mom the money back for the delivery of the baby.  Not to mention, I am still in school, yes, I am!  Two terms behind to total 5000.  It seems I can't win for losing.  Don't know what I do wrong.  It's not like I just spend unnecessarily.

On another note, Liam still needs more work.  Don't think I want to drive Marybelle because that deals with switching gears.  I will not be able to drive for another 5 weeks.   My credit score will not go above 600 for some reason.

Blessings
I had the most awesome baby shower and didn't have to buy anything except a crib and 2 dressers.  I got everything and that is a huge blessings.  Also, one of my dear friends has a little boy.  She gave me a car seat.  The other day she came with several bags of clothes.  That is money saved.  Will not have to buy him anything for a while.  Maybe not until it gets cold.  So excited and thankful for all of the blessings.  I also got several gift cards.  Since I have exhausted all of my funds, did I mention I had to use the money from the baby shower to help with the house on Oneal.  Another thing, I was able to get a Navy Federal account, the money I had there is gone too.  Having the gift cards has really come in handy.  For that I'm thankful.

It's not that Bad
When it seems things are bad, I have to take a step back and count my blessings.  Life moves forward and in the bed, there's always something good.

Future Plans
Make sure I'm the best mom I can be for this baby.  Looking into getting another job, something online.  Also, I stay in the hood and my neighbors are super nosy, that has nothing to do with it, but I am moving my year of 40.  That will be next year, so within the year of 2015-16, I will move from my home.  I know what HAP is looking for and that is the route I plan on taking.  Previously, I wanted to have my own home built by 40, but now I want to move into a 4 bedroom, 2+ bathroom, 2 car garage, and a fireplace.  This house needs to be in a better neighborhood.  In order to do that save money for that and for the baby.  Also, work on my credit score.

It's almost a year since I have written here and I remember that I loved doing this.  Work with me, for I'm a work in progress.  Life continues to move and I am not doing the same things, but life continues to move forward regardless.  Not going to make any promises, but I will continue to use this to see the changes that have been made.  Another thing Marybelle is 17 months before she'll be paid off.  On that note, that will save 400 a month.  I tried to refinance my home and was unable to due to being late at the end of last year.  That sucks.  I can try again in September.  One thing after another.  My car note and house come close to 1000 a month, that really needs to change and quick.  Once Marybelle is paid off that money can go to something else.

Work with me I'm still learning.  Mind you, there's a baby in the mix now.  Save money for his future, plus, money in case of emergencies.  My tax refund goes to previous debt, but that money is gone now.  What I never do is pay house note or car not.  Thinking next year, I'll pay 2 to 3 months of car note and continue to pay on it monthly.  That'll help me pay Marybelle off sooner.  Medical bills seem to be an issue too.  Tired of getting bills, it just seems that there's never enough money and time to get things done.

I'll be just fine.  I'm learning and that's all I can do.  Thank you for reading, will try not to be done so long!

Bumps in the Road

As long as you live, there will be bumps in the road.  Many times it is done because you aren't living right.  Other times, to make you aware of the changes that need to be made.  In my world, patience has been working on me for some time now.  I said it a while ago, that there is a young lady that is trying to get out.  She is her, but things are not as they should be.  Not for real.

As I stated before, I get close and something tends to happen.  I guess that is the thing we call life.  So there has to be major adjustments made.  Something has happened that has made me rethink things.  First, I need to find another place to stay.  That is one of the steps and second, it needs to be cheaper than what I pay now.

As you probably remember, my credit has taken a downside and have been working toward making it better.  In my mind there is no clarity.  There is chaos in most of my thoughts.  Nothing is clear and it seems I can't seem to focus on anything.

To be honest, the devil has made me feel some kind of way.  That is because I am probably on the verge of a major break thorough.  One thing is for sure, I am thankful because out of bad does come good.  This has taught me that I need to be more secure and even though I am from that area, it is time for me to move on.

Today, I will look at other options on how I can get things better and move toward being this better person.  Yes, it did make me sad, but things could have gone in a different direction.  I am better and things will be better.

My situation is not that bad, but it is mine!  No one can take that away from me.

Issues:
behind one month on mortgage due to paying for Walden
Sallie Mae behind
Walden owe can't get back in school until I pay for previous term
Liam hose fixed and flat tire

Tired of always being on the losing end.  When will I finally get it together?

Subtle Changes are the Best

Yesterday, I posted and I am glad.  I have said it time and time again, I will do better by my blogs and I try to, but of course life gets in the way.  While writing yesterday, I had major thoughts, no I didn't express them, but the thought was there.  I was told that, it's the thought that counts!  Maybe my thoughts can help someone out in the long run. 

There are several things going on in my life and one of them is getting closer to God.  I will admit that I haven't been the perfect christian and know I am not now, but my walk is getting better and better.  I have gone to Sunday School every Sunday this year.  (Sunday School is my thing, I love it because it's personal and you get to share and express).  I have gone to church twice, plus, I have started a workout class at church on Tuesday nights.  It's fun and a way to relax and it's not strenious, something light and to the point.  While going to church, I realized that these are people that have known me my entire life.  I have been blessed to be a member of this church since the day I was born.  I owe that to Betty Jackson, my mother, for this I am thankful! 

Walking this path was not promised to be easy, but it will lead you in the right direction.  In saying this, paying attention to my life and the things I have accomplished or set out to do, I have not completed many of my goals.  Maybe those are the things that were not meant for me to do.  As stated before, my life has had many financial issues, but I press on.  You know why, because life moves on regardless of my wanting it to or not. 

Selling items on Craigslist was a blessing, but did I do right by that money?  No, I didn't.  What did I do with it?  Bought fast food which is not healthy or a good choice for me.  I did spend some of it on a friend that lost his father, I bought food for them and other household items.  So, it all wasn't spent in vain. 

Here I am today thinking about what I can do to better myself and my future!

1. Continue to get closer to God
2. Start and end my day with a bible passage
3. Sell all items in storage so that will be one less bill
4. Take pictures of the storage unit and post it on Craigslist
5. Take the refrigerators out of storage and sell them for scrap metal
6. Take photos of candles and post them on Craiglist
7. Extra cash that I make put it towards an outstanding bill
8. Get more organized in my life and realize that I can do all things with God that strengthens me
9. Understand that I am an individual and regardless, I am someone
10. Put my best foot forward at all times
11. Remove toxic situations and people from my life
12. Continue to do good things and be around good people

There are more things that I can say, but my mind is somewhat clouded.  I did set up automatic bill pay with majority of my bills.  Now, I think all that is left is the power bill.  Looking at the money I have and how I use it, it is crazy.  I get upset because I have bills to pay and instead of doing what I should, I do nothing.  Tired of having to pay late fees, it gets old. 

I forgot that I knew how to arch my own eyebrows, so I bought a tool to do that with.  That saves 10 a month.  Cutting corners anyway possible.  My mother buys me groceries so that's one less bill I have to pay.  My refrigerator is full, that is a blessing and I receive it. 

 As always, things will be alright in the long run.  What I'm realizing is the things we deem important really aren't.  Life, love, happiness, and a relationship with God is all that counts.  Do your best to get closer to the things that are important.  You and me will be alright.