As you may know, I have been in a low place for almost 2 months now. I understand my wrong and what I did. Thinking back, I don't know where my mind was and what was going on. Quit honest, I am embarrassed to say that I messed it up. Things are different now. I know longer will be in that place. Seeing things differently now. It's like everything is on the looking glass.
Yesterday was not a good day for me, all I did was cry. I greatly apologize to you for what I did, I never meant any of it. I know now, that we had everything and each other and that was all that mattered. Yes, things weren't always good, but they were everything that I wanted. Thank you for that! Thank you for everything that you have ever done for me, the time, the energy the emotions, thank you! You took care of me and that is all that I could have asked for. Now, I am all alone, missing what we once shared. Never to return again and that is sad. Always looking for the next best thing when it was always in my face the entire time. Wow, how we don't see it until it is gone. Maybe one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Like I said before I know now.
Working on myself and being in this same place again is very trying. To say over 5 years ago that I will never do it again and to do it again is crazy. Always looking for the next best thing and it was there all along. Sad!
During this time, I have learned that everything I need is in me. Everything, my whole life has been filled with nothing but failure. One relationship after another, failure! Getting into one after another and never hailing from the first. Bringing those issues into the other. The cycle continues to repeat itself over and over again. I refuse to be a victim. It stops here. I see now. Maybe it's because I am older and tired of being put in the same situations, I don't know, but what I do know is never again will I be the victim. I will never ever feel this way again. I will not make someone else hurt. To see the pain on the face is something that I never want to see again.
The wanting, desire, all of that is sad, the minds keeps on wanting the next best thing. When what you need is always there. All I can do is shake my head. I want to talk to you to tell you how I feel, but I know you don't want to hear anything that I have to say. The lies, I completely understand. In my small mind, I just want things to go back to the way the were. A piece of me says it can happen, but something says it never will. You were my friend and I always thought you would be around, maybe you would have if I hadn't messed things up. Now, I am alone. Doing things that we used to do together, now I do them by myself.
Those were things that I wanted to express, just had to say something. Again, all I can do is shake my head in shame. I can't go on living this life repeating the same mistakes, I am better than that. This is about my well being. I understand were fear and worry come from. I will no longer carry them with me. I have released them. I deserve better than what I have given myself over the years. I am somebody!
Once I recieve the money that I am owed, I will get some things fixed on Parkchester:
- yard done
- privacy fence
I have no money for real let's see:
- $1,000 to Ron for Parkchester
- $450 to Mom for Liam
- $570 for Parkchester
- $570 for Fisk
At this point, I am overdrawn in my account, tredding water. I am not ever worried about that. I also paid my bills too. So I know I am overdrawn in my account. So, so very sad.
Paying $1000 a month to Ron let's me know that I can pay off much of my debt soon. I don't know how much I owe him, but once that is done I will pay off the two student loans that I have. This is a bad thing, but now I can focus on me, that is what I am going to do. No room for anyone else.
I paid my credit card bill. I guess due to the holiday weekend it will be a delay when they will receive the payment. Once the payment has been received, I will purchase the books I need for my Application. I will start on my Learning Agreement for KAM II.
This blog has helped me to express my rights, my wrongs, my stupid decisions, my oversights, my mistakes and any other crazy thing that I may have done. Survival is the key to this thing and that I have been barely doing. I am worth more than that! Thank you for reading and again learn from all of my errors, because as you read, I make a plenty of them.